Republican Candidate Requirements
Due to rigid requirements, Republicans don’t have a viable candidate to run for president in 2012. The election of Scott Brown in the Massachusetts special election on Jan. 19, 2010, has produced a potential candidate. Below are the guidelines for this rarefied position:
1) Intellectually, must be a moron or higher.
2) English should be the primary language, but mastery of grammar is not mandatory. Most Americans consider someone who speaks correctly to be a smart aleck.
3) Ability to give speeches is not necessary. We have speech writers.
4) Ability to write legislation is not necessary. Lobbyists do that for us.
5) A thick shock of hair is a plus.
6) White skin is a plus.
7) Blue eyes are a plus.
8) Six feet tall or taller is a plus.
9) Ignorance of the Constitution is a plus. The Constitution confuses the Republican base.
10)Acts of adultery are excusable until age 45. That’s when Republicans pass into adulthood. We believe those are the two stages of life.
11)Fondling someone who is not your wife, as Bill Clinton did, is the worst crime imaginable. Groping women who are complete strangers, as Arnold Schwarzenegger does regularly, is just boys being boys.
12)Should have been born in the United States, but advocate adding Austria to that qualification. We need a backup candidate.
13)Be a Christian. It allows you to be a total asshole all of your life but get into heaven if you confess your sins before you die.
14)Contend that Ronald Reagan was the second coming. His likeness should be carved into Mt. Rushmore, replacing George Washington, so Republicans will have a holy place where they can go, pray, confess and condemn all those they hate.
15)Contend that the United States is the most noble nation that ever existed. Genocide of 10 million Indians, slavery until 1865, lynchings of over 5,000 negroes, the only nation ever to incinerate hundreds of thousands of people with nuclear weapons, notwithstanding.
16)Don't think. You will receive a fax each day with "talking points" you are to use no matter what question you are asked.
1) Intellectually, must be a moron or higher.
2) English should be the primary language, but mastery of grammar is not mandatory. Most Americans consider someone who speaks correctly to be a smart aleck.
3) Ability to give speeches is not necessary. We have speech writers.
4) Ability to write legislation is not necessary. Lobbyists do that for us.
5) A thick shock of hair is a plus.
6) White skin is a plus.
7) Blue eyes are a plus.
8) Six feet tall or taller is a plus.
9) Ignorance of the Constitution is a plus. The Constitution confuses the Republican base.
10)Acts of adultery are excusable until age 45. That’s when Republicans pass into adulthood. We believe those are the two stages of life.
11)Fondling someone who is not your wife, as Bill Clinton did, is the worst crime imaginable. Groping women who are complete strangers, as Arnold Schwarzenegger does regularly, is just boys being boys.
12)Should have been born in the United States, but advocate adding Austria to that qualification. We need a backup candidate.
13)Be a Christian. It allows you to be a total asshole all of your life but get into heaven if you confess your sins before you die.
14)Contend that Ronald Reagan was the second coming. His likeness should be carved into Mt. Rushmore, replacing George Washington, so Republicans will have a holy place where they can go, pray, confess and condemn all those they hate.
15)Contend that the United States is the most noble nation that ever existed. Genocide of 10 million Indians, slavery until 1865, lynchings of over 5,000 negroes, the only nation ever to incinerate hundreds of thousands of people with nuclear weapons, notwithstanding.
16)Don't think. You will receive a fax each day with "talking points" you are to use no matter what question you are asked.
posted by Unknown at 1:58 PM
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